How Pattern Design and Brain Science Helped Me Climb Out Of 24 Years of Chronic Pain - Part 1
Every day was the same. I would wake up feeling pretty good, ready for a new day, creativity getting the best of me. I loved being creative. Fine art, design, jewelry creation, photo books…. it always put me in my happy place. But shortly after I turned 18, every day turned into the same miserable loop with a dull ache appearing in my neck where my skull meets my spine - every afternoon. That dull ache would turn into more noticeable pain, making it harder to concentrate. By bedtime, the pain would be throbbing and unbearable.
Today, I’m getting vulnerable. Chronic migraines ruled my life for 24 years and this is my story on how I climbed out of it and how pattern design became intertwined with my healing process.
Life had become a full time job of pain management. How many doses have I taken this day, this week, this month? And don’t get me started on the doctors. I saw every kind. Neurologists, Chiropractors, Physical Therapists, Massage Therapists, Functional Medicine, ending with a pain management doctor (who doesn’t find the root of the problem, but just helps you manage pain). Every time I sat down to do any of my design work, I would give up because sitting at a computer for longer than 45 minutes gave me a headache. I was so depressed. Not only was I in pain, but I couldn’t even do the things I loved and needed in my life.
It went on like this for 24 years. I had spurts that were better than others but the main constant were my chronic headaches. I never kept a personal diary consistently but I have headache charts chronicling when I had headaches, what I ate, what I took, even possible triggers - for years. I was thinking about it constantly and fearful it would be my whole life. I felt broken.
In 2020, I discovered Nicole Sachs, LCSW who introduced me to Mind Body work. Her work is based on the work of Dr. John Sarno whose main theory was that chronic pain happens when the brain feels that repressed emotions are more dangerous to the human body and attempts to distract and protect with pain (or other chronic illness) instead.
I had gotten all the scans and x-rays and had been told by the doctors that nothing was wrong with me, as far as they could tell. So why was I in so much pain? No doctor could tell me.
After I had read Dr. Sarno’s book, The Mindbody Prescription, I had discovered that I was really the perfect candidate for chronic pain. Dr. Sarno said that due to various life events (whether it is big trauma or smaller, difficult situations in life), our brain sometimes represses the emotion out of protection and we feel pain instead (the pain can be anywhere, stomach aches, migraines, knee pain, etc.). He also went on to say that this happens more frequently in certain personality types than others — those who are perfectionists, people pleasers and what he calls, “goodists” (those who want to be viewed as good at all times). I cannot emphasize how many “aha” moments I had reading this book. It was as if he had written this book ABOUT ME!
I know what you’re thinking - it’s the old “but the pain isn’t in my head” and you would be absolutely right! It isn’t! The pain is absolutely real but it’s not necessarily because there is something physically wrong with my neck or your back, etc. It is because our brains are mis-firing and signaling that it is safer to feel the pain rather than feel the emotions.
“We either feel things in our hearts or we feel things in our bodies.”
—Nicole Sachs
At the same time that I read Dr. Sarno’s book and found Mindbody work, I purchased an iPad Pro and an Apple Pencil and decided to try my hand at digital art. I joined a pattern challenge on Instagram hosted by Melanie Johnsson on a whim (like decided a day before it started) and I drew patterns for 30 days! I didn’t know a lot about pattern design when I began the challenge, but it seemed fun so I wanted to try it.
I have always loved art and this challenge really helped me find a “spark” of excitement for something new. As I delved into this challenge while simultaneously delving into Mindbody work, I felt hope for the first time in years. I jumped into learning the process of pattern making and reignited my love of just drawing again. Even though I was a graphic designer, I never saw myself as an illustrator. I learned that illustrating my pattern ideas truly filled me with so much joy and every day I couldn’t wait to create more!
Stay tuned for Part 2 on how I climbed out of my chronic pain!
[*Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and do not claim that this work will heal every ailment there is. This is my personal experience with chronic headaches (all of my medical tests confirmed there wasn’t anything physically wrong with my head or neck) so take from it what you will. I only aim to educate the importance of taking care of our bodies and our emotions to keep our brains and bodies synchronized and healthy. While I agree that this work can help anyone, I do not claim that it will cure every condition.]
Great post! I had no idea you were struggling with that, Kylie.